The burden of student debt within today’s economy will indeed be it difficult. Face it, going to college was probably the worst decision you mad in life, and if it wasn’t, choosing your major sure as hell was. So suck it up. Every dime you make must go to the Sallie Mae and her colleagues and you must do everything you can to make every dime possible, for them. It is time to be honest to yourself, you weren’t meant to do what makes you happy, because if you were, you would have been born rich and not be in this horrible situation in the first place.

The good news is that there are millions of people out there just like you, and with student debt being the trillion dollar industry it is, there is sure to be more. So here are some simple tips to help you get this burden off your shoulders and have some freedom at last, and you’ll finally be able to smile like those people in those corporate stock photos.

Make some Cuts

Student loans will be one of the many bills you’ll have to pay, but it is the most important. Do you disagree? Then what can be more important than your student debt? Well for most the first obvious bill would be for housing, particularly for rent. Move in with family that will let you freeload off them. Perhaps they will even make you food and pay for utilities too. If you don’t have family, then shame on you. Try bunking up with a friend, even sleep in a friends bed when they are at work. Don’t have any friends? Then you really suck. Try squatting. The upside to the shitty housing market is that there are millions of empty houses and apartments out there. Now don’t you wish you went to locksmith school rather than college? Ok, so if squatting is not an option and you must pay rent, don’t you dare splurge. Luxuries like a safe neighborhood, close proximity to work, separate bedroom, a kitchen and even windows are way out of your league.

Now a place with a fireplace, that is a bonus. Who really needs heat anyways? If you do need heat, use the fireplace to burn all those collection letters to heat your home. Really, all you need is a bunch of blankets. Electricity is overrated, just find a public place to charge your battery devices. Work would be great place to do that if you are lucky enough to have a job. Save the internet browsing to after hours at work, or use the library, and share a cell phone. That’s right, not many phones on one plan, just one phone, one plan, and many people. Appoint someone to be the secretary and message you with smoke signals when you get a message. Be creative, tin cans with strings work too.

Food is another high costs that needs to be cut too. Forget eating out, you’re in debt. Try making your own meals as cheap as possible. Grow your own vegetables or raid other people’s gardens by night. Follow some Chinese American recipes and use pigeons, cats, and even stray dogs as meat. You could be doing the public a service. You might even be able to free load off of the homeless shelters if you volunteer or look the part. It is true, homeless are living that way by choice, and the food should go to people with ambition first. They’re debt free and only if they applied themselves, they could easily get on their feet. You are not that lucky. Another tip to cut food costs is to use the math you learned in college to determine the minimal amount of calories you need to survive the day, and eat only that trying to get as many nutrients as possible. The added bonus is that you won’t have obesity related health problems too, so you don’t need to worry about health care costs either.

Health insurance is just one waste of money for young college grads. If you are working all the time, then nothing bad will happen. The co-pays and deductibles are so high now that you’re better off opting out while you can. This can save you money to pay off your debt. The key here is to think about your SELF; self diagnose, self treat, self prescribe, and self medicate. The money you save from not paying for medications, therapies, and doctor visits could put a tiny but measurable dent in your student debt. Gym memberships and health clubs are another waste. You have no need to spend money to exercise when you should exercise to make money instead. Pursue a side career as a personal trainer, that way the you’re making money while working out too. If that doesn’t work, and you really need the exercise, perhaps a second job as a bike messenger or sweeping the malls at night will do. Perhaps commuting could be the answer to your exercise needs; get rid of the car and auto insurance costs and bike, run, rollerblade to work. This will definitely help you stay in shape, and if you work too far, you could always hitchhike.

Build Value

Now that you cut all the costs, it is time to make more revenue. If you currently have a job, do everything you can to advance your career wile sabotaging your competition. If you are looking for a new job, which you should every year or so if you do not get a raise higher than your student loan interest, there is no reason not to exaggerate on the resume. Now that you entered today’s the job market, you realize that experience trumps education, so add some experience and skills, just read some industry related books and blogs to act the part. So what you got bachelors in history, when you need a masters in bioengineering to get the job, put it on a resume and read a book about it. If, by some reason, hr buys into your bull, then you will hit the ground running and will learn fast or be looking for a new job again. It’s OK. Two wrongs do make a right. We all bought into a lie when were told that college was a good idea, a great way to achieve the American Dream, and that life would be better when we got out. Lying to us is what got these billion dollar companies and universities into business; they won’t mind us lying to finish our business with them.

If you have a job and want to continue down that career path, then remember that one job should only take 8 of a 24 hour day, 40 hours a week. This leaves another 16 hours to work in the day, 128 hours to work a week. Get another job, or two. Heck, if you don’t sleep you could live our of a storage unit or bus station locker. Just keep in mind that when the effects of caffine run out crystal meth can keep people up and running for days at a time, and is really cheap to manufacture. If you have enough ice you can work 168 hours a week. Imagine the paychecks then.

In today’s economy you have to be quick thinking and use your assets. Since the college diploma has been reassessed to be the expensive piece of toilet paper that it is, you have to determine what else you have going for you. If you lucky enough, you’re young and healthy, use that. Submit your body to medical research, just seek approval form your cosigner if you are allowing some test to stop your heart or some other risk of death or disability is forseen. If you have no cosigner, then test away, because your debt will be bequeathed with your death. Also, your young years are the best to pimp yourself out. Use you college experience as a slut to rake in the big bucks. Fill out some online classifieds like backpage.com and find some suitors willing to pay for the deeds. Use protection of course, especially if you can get it for free at clinics for the poor. You might get lucky getting other people lucky where you can created a sugar daddy/momma situation, and you can get real luck if it turns into a genuine relationship where you can move in and get free housing, married, and they soon die and you inherit their future. You could use that hard earned privilege and inheritance to pay off your student loans.

Postpone Your Dreams

You became a student to pursue your dreams, but now you have student debt, you have to put all them on hold. There is no reason you should be saving money to buy a house if you have student debt. Basically, savings is a luxury you can only have after your loans are settled.  You shouldn’t even be renting, let alone buying any property, even for investment purposes to pay to pay back your loans later. Being a great investor is  dream you should only chase later in life because  the loan companies do not want to chance you wasting their hard earned money on your dream. You thought an education was a great investment, what other mistakes will you make?

The same goes for a family too. How dare you be selfish and even think about wasting time socializing and developing relations with another human beings when there is debt to be paid? The luxuries of going on dates are not an option, because even cooking pasta for another person should be out of your budget. Of course there are some people who were couples before they graduated and they too might be looking for the next step. A wedding, ha, only if your other half comes from a rich family and is debt free, so his or her income can pay the loan companies back. It is not even an option if your significant other has debt. By getting married, your accumulated income could bring your economic unit into a higher tax bracket, and that my friend, means less money to pay back the debt as the IRS takes a larger chunk. And, for whatever reason, you can’t pay those taxes, the IRS has the right to seize your pay before the loan companies, so the loan companies do not want to risk that on your behalf. Also consider there is a greater than 50% chance your marriage will end in divorce, and if it does, alimony and child support also are one of those wage garnishing situations the loan companies do not want to compete with.

As mention before, kids are not even an option. Those little brats are expensive and cost take up a lot of time. Do not even consider popping one out until you have your last payment due. Just think of how tough of a life a child will have with the living situation you are in right now. How can you bring someone into a world like that. If you ever wished you were born rich, don’t give birth to a child until you are. If you do have kids, there is no doubt their life will be tough. They will grow up in poverty and all the risks involved, and even with all the negative forces against them, somehow they also achieve the ability to attend college, you’ll be too entwined paying off your student debts to save for their tuition. Consider the rate of tuition increases over the past 30 years, where will it be in another 20? You’ll have to work for them, and get loans, so there goes any chance of retirement and pursuing your dreams, and a cycle of an educated indentured class carries on.

It is ok to forget about retiring. When the debts are paid off, you’ll have to work hard to save and finally pursue your dreams. You could still see the world, backpack Europe, make investments, or even buy a house if you planned right. Of course it will be weird being a 50 year old staying in a hostel, but at least that will be possible. It is obvious that some people might not achieve their dreams at all due to this debt. It is impossible for post menopausal women to give birth, but she could still adopt. The objective here is to think  positive. At least she made it out of debt alive. With the millions of people that have student loans, it is obvious that some will die, of car accidents, starvation, drug overdose and suicides are the norm, and expected. You see, people die from making stupid decisions all the time (see darwin awards), unfortunately for us student loan debtors, ours decision to take on debt to get an education is killing us slowly. So please, use this guide to get out of debt as fast as possible.

Have any other tips? Please Leave them in the comments below!

About

Student loans have increases in popularity recently with the Occupy Movement and the upcoming 2012 Presidential Election. This article was a direct response to an Early Careerist Blog which seems to be written from a student loan industry lobbyist or propagandist. Even if it was not, it was most likely written by someone who never had student debt, a rightist telling all debtors it will get better without understanding how messed up this industry with little regulations that does not answer to market demand. This satire just goes to show just how much of a student debtor’s life will be affected by the the debt, and reform is needed. If you are reading this from another country, please do all that is politically possible to keep your tuition rates low.